social situations are just too much for me it seems. i honestly don’t know how to handle myself at all. especially with girls. life is hard.
i’ve made an effort to meet people which is huge for me in and of itself. i met this really cool and super cute girl. the problem i don’t know how to handle myself with girls. and i don’t want a relationship right now. i guess i don’t know what i want.
well, i know that i want to spend more time with this girl, but beyond that i just don’t know. talking to her about what we want is gonna suck. just super awkward. i don’t want her to stop hanging out with me, but i guess i understand why she wouldn’t want to knowing i don’t want anything serious.
maybe your glamour's not in boston, but my friends are fucking awesome
i finally listened to some good advice and got out tonight. actually talking to people. ha imagine that, me talking to new people. its weird talking to girls single. i met this one girl who was cute seemed pretty cool, and i was awkward as usual. ill have to try and find her later this weekend and say whats up :P
tomorrow night is gonna be fucking awesome. going to this ill show and just getting fuckkkkked up. i am looking forward to it immensely.
i hope e is doing alright. something she wrote made me want to give her a hug and i hope she isn’t feeling shitty. i hope she remembers that she can always talk to me, whenever and for whatever reason. shes my best friend and i care about her. i’m always gonna be there for her, i love her <3 i’ve never had a better friend :]
i haven’t been getting to sleep lately. i don’t know the full reason why. part of me doesn’t want to dream. nightmares/terrors haunt me even in my waking hours. i do not want them to return and so i avoid sleep. i am becoming a creature of the night, joining my ‘mythical’ brethren as i stalk through these forgotten hours. i’m beginning to feel less like a human and more like an empty vessel of the dejected and damned. i am no stranger to night — but only recently have i rejoined moonlit dominion of lost souls.
only recently has my fixation with dark imagery returned with a vengeance. i missed this obsession, and i am happy to find that it has been growing in my subconscious in my absence.
and so, my beautifully macabre mind, i welcome you with blackened mind and bleeding eyes. my star-crossed mistress has returned to baptize my soul in the blood that pours from my heart and wrists.
…as my raven eyes open they are filled with contempt towards my fellow man for he knows naught of anything past sunset. he know not of me. i am the cold feeling in the night. i am the bump in the dark that sets your hair on end. i am all your bad luck. i am everything that creeps through the serene darkness that you never see. i am the ghosts only you can see. i am the dead. i am the night…
i really did. i guess i was wrong. i woke up this morning and saw your new picture and now you’re all i can think about and it’s killing me. visiting e this weekend made me feel so much better but now it’s as if it never happened. i can’t take this any longer but i have no place i can go. i can’t stay here, but i can’t go home. everywhere i go and everything i do reminds me of you. and there’s only one thing i can think about when i think about you.
i wish that i could just wake up from this bad bad dream…
This was an amazing weekend. i had soooo much fun in boston. more fun than i’ve had in who knows how long. being with my best friend was just the best. i really wish i didn’t have to leave, i had such a great time. i crazy happy now too! i can’t stop smiling and i hope i feel like this for a while. cant wait to see my best friend again <3
w00t im soo excited to go to visit e. i need this more than anything right now. buuuuut i have to get up way fuckin early. 5.30-6.00 am. the fuck. is that shit. but its only a minor inconvenience, plus i can probably sleep on the bus.
“Now I’ve justified this to myself in all sorts of ways…But let’s face it, I ripped them off — my so called mates…Why did I do it? I could offer a million answers — all false. The truth is that I’m a bad person. But, that’s gonna change — I’m going to change. This is the last of that sort of thing. Now I’m cleaning up and I’m moving on, going straight and choosing life. I’m looking forward to it already. I’m gonna be just like you.The job, the family, the fucking big television. The compact disc and electric tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter home, leisure wear, luggage, three piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption clearing gutters, getting by, looking ahead, the day you die.”—Mark Renton - Trainspotting.
Hwell well well today was a very very angry day. just this burning rage inside of me. All that has happened recently with her is bullshit. Over the last four years i have wasted thousands of dollars and all i have to show for it is a handful of memories in a broken heart and a lie inked into my wrist forever. These incensant eyes burning the one i once called lover. I haven’t felt anything like this in over four years. The sick sad part of it all is i kind of enjoy it. This pain, and anguish, and ire, this despondency brought on by her betrayal. Not that i haven’t been despondent these last four years, i have. But then it had no meaning, a depression without a cause. A depression without source is like love without a lover. It is empty and meaningless and just fucking terrible. All these feelings, these negative feelings, give how i always feel a purpose. I can feel it now, the malice, this malignant obsession with the macabre. The misery and the hopelessness, i feel it all for what feels like the first time. I had spent too long in this insipid rapture and its hackneyed lust that i was beginning to feel nothing at all.
so fuck you
and thank you
you’ve given me back to myself. I am now free to bathe in my own self-loathing. Drown myself in my own morbid obsessions, kept at bay for so long by your adoration.
i’m once again free to spill my blood to feel alive, i’m looking forward to it already…
in mesa, arizona where all the green of life had turned to ash and i felt i was on fire, with the things i could have told you i just assumed that you eventually would ask… and i wouldn’t have to bring up my so badly broken heart and all those months i just wanted to sleep and though spring, it did come slowly, i guess it did its part my heart has thawed and continues to beat
she makes things harder on both of us. she can’t ask me stuff like if shes my best friend. the whole dynamic of our relationship has change. she wasn’t my best friend, she was my other half. but that isn’t true right now. maybe it will be again, but it’s going to take time.
at least i have e. she has been such a great friend to me. shes my best friend, and i know she will always be there for me matter what. and i’ll be there for here for her if she ever needs anything. i feels good to have this kind of connection with someone. if it weren’t for her i’d have lost my mind.
i really love conor oberst. i cant get enough of him. i had coffee with her today. it was hard, but i think it went alright. she knows where im at now, and thats a good improvement. its still really hard though. when i hugged her it didnt feel the same, and i was afraid of that. she still means a lot to me but i cant be with her. not right now.
I have been listening to bright eyes all day. 4 and a half hour train ride that turned into 6. loose leaves is an amazing song.
i heard one that i could sing along with, so i must know it, but i can’t find it. because of course i don’t remember the title or how it goes
but yeah i feel like that’s my life lately. school all the time. watching tv/stumbling. and my pills that don’t make my brain behave. i hope seeing her tomorrow goes well, if it happens. i took my other pills tonight for the first time in forever. maybe ill actually get some sleep, good sleep, finally.
i’m sorry about the phone call and waking you, i know that its late. but thank you for talking because i needed to, some things just can’t wait…
she needs to explain the whole story to her parents. they clearly are missing like 2/3 of what is going on. they know that i care about her. but it sounds like they think I broke up with HER. i understand her not explaining that she cheated on me, but because she got her self sent home her parents deserve to know that whole story. i should not be getting any shit from them. and especially not sarah who said she knew what jill had done when we talked the other day. but maybe she didnt.
well now she does for sure. and i hope she explains it to her parents because jill probably wont.
she needs to leave me alone. it hurts so much more being told all that stuff. i dont know how i feel, but i know i dont love her the way she wants. not right now. i need time. it just hurts. so much.
i wish it was this weekend and not next that i am going to visit e. she is my best friend in the whole world. i can tell her anything <3. but i cant cry in front of her for some reason. i wanted to. i needed to cry. but i couldn’t do it. i don’t know why, i think i’m just afraid. i’ve made myself so vulnerable, shown my true self to her. i’m afraid of how she’ll feel. she is so perfect. and so helpful. and beautiful. and loving. and the best friend anyone could ever ask for. and i love her.